English Jokes

[Redeem]

Peace be upon you,

I started a thread about jokes, but they already closed it so I decide to open a new thread. This time I'll share some hilarious jokes....Enjoy:)
Joke:
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."clap

[Unfaithful]

hhaaaaahhhhaaaaaa. funny joke
thank you

ضـحـك

[Redeem]

hhaaaaahhhhaaaaaa. funny joke
thank you

ضـحـك







Thanks for passing!! Have a nice day!!

[Redeem]

Stranger on a train
A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrog, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first."
The farmer thinks for a while.
" I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?"
The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?"
The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist "I don't know"ضـحـك

[Redeem]

Here's another hilarious joke
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$



In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de $perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,



Norman $oh



The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear NOrman,



I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.sly

[oussama abid]

are you happy?

[المنصور]

God bless you
thanks

[Redeem]

are you happy?

Salam Alaikum
Alhamdoulilah!! I'm happy=)

[Redeem]

God bless you
thanks

May Allah bless you too, my brothericon30

[Unfaithful]

قـهـقـهـة

beautiful jokes
you're soooo funny icon30
thanx a lot
please add more jokes...if you have cupidarrow

[Redeem]

قـهـقـهـة

beautiful jokes
you're soooo funny icon30
thanx a lot
please add more jokes...if you have cupidarrow




Here's another one:=)

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ——- has stolen our tent."قـهـقـهـة

[Layan Algeria]

HHHHHHHHHHHHH
Poooooor men

[Redeem]

HHHHHHHHHHHHH
Poooooor men


Men Should Listen


A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "IDIOT!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

[Layan Algeria]

Men Should Listen


A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "IDIOT!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.



Next time he will think twice before saying a word

Thank you ZANAZ

[Unfaithful]

He should listen to her
n_o
thanx brother

[Redeem]

HOW TO MAKE A MAN & WOMAN HAPPY??

How to make a man and woman happy ?

To make a woman happy ….. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO :

44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes

&

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Leave him aloneclap

[Redeem]

Nissma Algeria and Unfaithful, you both are most welcome.bye1

[Layan Algeria]

Nissma Algeria and Unfaithful, you both are most welcome.bye1


Thanks Hatem clapclap I guess I will be learnig so much things from you

[Redeem]

Thanks Hatem clapclap I guess I will be learnig so much things from you


No need to thank me:=) and I hope that I can be a good helper:=)
Take good care of yourself!!

[Redeem]

A Good Wife Can Balance Your Life
file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/k/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/moz-screenshot-2.jpg
http://jokes.maktoob.com/JokesImages/Jokes/56928/Feature.jpg
clapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclapclap
file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/k/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/moz-screenshot.jpgfile:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/k/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/moz-screenshot-1.jpg

[Unfaithful]

قـهـقـهـة

that's so funny
thanx a lot brothericon30

[فاروق نشاد]

it's really funny joke...thank you very much...your friend farouk. icon30

[Redeem]

قـهـقـهـة

that's so funny
thanx a lot brothericon30




You're welcome my sister=)

[Redeem]

it's really funny joke...thank you very much...your friend farouk. icon30

I'm jolly glad you liked the jokes
Have a nice day my brother=)

[Redeem]

Barbie Doll

A man was on his way home from work when he realised that he had forgotten his young daughtor's birthday. Knowing she liked dolls, he stopped off at a toy storeand asked the sales assistant whether they had any Barbie dolls in stock. "Sure" replied the sales girl."We have Barbie Goes to the Gym at 19.95 dollars, Barbie Goes o the Ball at 19.95 dollars. Barbie Goes Shopping at 19.95 dollars, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing at 19.95 dollars, and Divorced Barbie at 250 dollars.
the man was perplexed. "Why are the others all 19.95 dollars and yet Divorced Barbie costs 250 dollars?"
"Because," replied the sales girl, "divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat and Ken's furniture."surrenderclap

[Redeem]

This is really hilariousclapclap
A man approached a pretty girl in a supermarket. "I have lost my wife. Can I talk to you?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a pretty girl, my wife appeares out of nowhere!"قـهـقـهـةقـهـقـهـة

[MAKN]

thank you it is so funny

[Unfaithful]

hhhahhhaha
i like the last one
poor men n_o, she will never live him away
قـهـقـهـة

[Redeem]

hhhahhhaha
i like the last one
poor men n_o, she will never live him away
قـهـقـهـة



Salam Alaikum sister,
I'm jolly glad to hear you liked the last joke, maybe the previous ones also. Take good care of yourself:)
May Allah bring you peace and happiness.

[ANIKAS]

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yes very funny

[hayet_touha]

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
it's so funny

[زينتي حجابي]

thank u so much I like it

[Manel17]

Lovely jokes
thanks 4 them

[Redeem]

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelonsbusted_red.

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says “Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.”icon30

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: “Now there are two"blehclap

[Redeem]

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.”
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

[yasmine bouzidi]

hhhh but his the one who is gonna marry not his parents!!
funny.i had the same problem once & reallyyy i don't wanna remember any thing about it cuze it was..........
thanks for the jock dear

[Redeem]

hhhh but his the one who is gonna marry not his parents!!
funny.i had the same problem once & reallyyy i don't wanna remember any thing about it cuze it was..........
thanks for the jock dear

You are welcome:)

[Redeem]

Two friends came to visit Juha just as he was frying himself some quails. “This dish lacks salt,” said one friend after he had picked a bird out of the pan and tasted it. “It also lacks vinegar,” said the second friend, biting into another quail. Taking the last quail, Juha said, “What matter, since now it lacks quails!”

[omniaa]

Stranger on a train
A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy.
"I will ask you a question and if you get it wrog, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first."
The farmer thinks for a while.
" I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?"
The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer.
"I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?"
The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist "I don't know"ضـحـك


LOL that's funny hhhhhhhhhhhhhh thnx alot

[Redeem]

LOL that's funny hhhhhhhhhhhhhh thnx alot

You're welcome

[Redeem]

One day, Djoha’s wife baked his favorite dessert. They ate most of it and saved the rest for breakfast.
That night, Djoha couldn’t fall asleep. He woke up his wife and said: “wake up, wakeup! I have something to tell you”
While his sleepy wife was trying to get up, Djoha rushed to the kitchen, brought the left over dessert and told his wife: “let’s finish this. It’s better to have it in our stomach than in our mind”

[Redeem]

During a conversation with Tamerlane, Hodja started bragging about his donkey.
"It is so smart that I can teach it even how to read, "he said.
"Then go ahead and teach it reading. I give you 3 months.," Tamerlane ordered.
Hodja went home and began to train his donkey. He put its feed between the pages of a big book and taught it to turn the pages by its tongue to find its feed. Three days before the three month period was over, he stopped feeding it.
When he took his donkey to Tamerlane, he asked for a big book and put it in front of the donkey. The hungry animal turned the pages of the book one by one with its tongue and when it couldn't find any feed between the pages it started braying.
Tamerlane watched the donkey closely and then said,
"This is sure a strange way of reading!"
Hodja remarked,
"But this is how a donkey reads."

[Redeem]

A cow and a chicken was having a discussion about what they should have for breakfast. The chicken quickly blurted out, “steak and eggs!” The cow had a disappointed look upon his face, so the chicken asked him: “What’s the matter?” The cow answered, “for you its a contribution to the breakfast but for me its a full commitment!:2:”

[Redeem]

A cow and a chicken was having a discussion about what they should have for breakfast. The chicken quickly blurted out, “steak and eggs!” The cow had a disappointed look upon his face, so the chicken asked him: “What’s the matter?” The cow answered, “for you its a contribution to the breakfast but for me its a full commitment!:2:”

[Redeem]

!When Opportunity knocks.... MAKE USE OF IT


.A man with a gun goes into a bank and demands their money

Once he is given the money, he turns to a customer and asks, 'Did you see me rob this bank
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple , killing him instantly.
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'

The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did!'

[أميرة الحب]

Peace be upon you,

I started a thread about jokes, but they already closed it so I decide to open a new thread. This time I'll share some hilarious jokes....Enjoy:)
Joke:
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."clap
hhhhhhhhhh poor fred
thanks

[khalil.]

http://www.graphicsgrotto.com/clipartpictures/comments/thankyou/images/cacthankyou1.jpg

[أميرة الحب]

Here's another one:=)

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ——- has stolen our tent."قـهـقـهـة


ooooooooooh hahahaha
realy wonerfull
because he makes every thing seems complex and the question was so easy
thank you

[أميرة الحب]

Men Should Listen


A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "IDIOT!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.


he shouuuuuuuuuuuuuld listen
thanx

[أميرة الحب]

HOW TO MAKE A MAN & WOMAN HAPPY??

How to make a man and woman happy ?

To make a woman happy ….. A man only needs to be:

1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO :

44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. Not stress her out
49. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes

&

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

1. Leave him aloneclap

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[فارس السراب]

ROFL
nice jokes ....really

[bousaadian girl]

u made me smile
so thnx
nice joke

[زعيمة جوجو * 28]

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
very funny .. thank you

[Redeem]

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan
.Operator : Yes, you can speak to me

Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan
Operator : Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this

Caller : I am Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about

.Caller : Well.. just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital

!Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this

Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?

.Operator : I'm Saw Ree

Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator : That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree

[أميرة الحب]

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan
.Operator : Yes, you can speak to me

Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan
Operator : Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this

Caller : I am Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent
Operator : I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about

.Caller : Well.. just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital

!Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this

Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?

.Operator : I'm Saw Ree

Caller : Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator : That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree



hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
great
thanks sis

[HADIL ROSA]

nice jokes i like it hhhhhhhhh :7::7::7:

[أميرة الحب]

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.”
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”


ohhhhh realy lpeopole are diffrent
thank youuu

[أبوصلاح الدين]

Thanks for this wonderful subject
I remember a joke
Un Algerian very samet saw someone selling zlabya
Every day asks the seller of zlabya the same question
Do you have kontar (100kg) of zlabya
The seller was very astonished and one day prepar kontar of zlabya
When he sakes him the seller was very happy and said
Yes.i have
Imagine what was the next question
How will you sell it

[Redeem]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what

[Redeem]

A dentist’s phone rang. The lady on the other end was very angry. “You charged $40 to take out my little boy’s tooth.” – she cried. “Isn’t it $10 anymore?”
“Yes,” said the dentist, “but your son screamed so loud, he scared three patients out of my waiting room!”

[rabehrafik]

?" JACK: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do
" TEACHER:" Of course not

." JACK: "Good, because I haven't done my homework

[kenza34]

thanks
i like the first one

[همس الخجل]

thank you so much